I'm so frustrated right now. I feel like most of my life is conspiring to keep me from reaching my weight loss goals. I try and eat healthy, and I try to work out and stay active, and yet, I'm still not loosing weight. I really don't want to resort to cutting my calories drastically, and I really don't have time to go to the gym more than I do, but I have to do something.
A friend posted pictures taken at my 30th Birthday Party back in May. I had lost weight by then, from my original weigh in of 178. I was down to around 160, which coincidentally is about where I'm stuck now. ( I'm at 157.8 lbs )
It was all I could do just to not burst out crying at those pictures. I look chubby, chunky, out of shape, fat, horrible. I put a picture down at the bottom left side of the page for reference...the best of the bunch.
And I know that's just how I would look if those pictures were taken today instead of back in May.
Two months and no progress. Two months and I still haven't had to go another notch in on my belt, and my clothes still don't fit well.
I'm going to start using a food diary asap. Maybe that will help me determine where my calories are coming from. I'm going to start trying to add in extra workouts somewhere. I just don't know where...between trying to move, my job and my freelance work, I honestly don't know where I can find more time, unless I give up some sleep. And I'm kinda attached to sleep.
Hopefully the food diary will help. Otherwise I'm out of ideas.
-Meg
Showing posts with label self-loathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-loathing. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
The rollercoster of fitness emotion
Today was a rough day at the gym. I only got about five hours of sleep last night, so just dragging my sorry carcass to the gym was difficult enough. I had to go earlier than I usually do since my s.o. gets out early on Fridays for summer, and since he's my workout partner, he was meeting me at the gym at 3 instead of 5. So I'm down two hits already, it's early and I'm tired.
An aside, I work nights, my work schedule is T-F 7pm - 5am. So 3pm is early for me, really early.
Then, there are none of the type of eliptical machines that I like to use available. Yeah I know, whine whine whine, but *old* me would use that as an excuse to turn around and go home. Luckily I couldn't leave as I had a "workout buddy" to not let down. So I got on one of the types I don't particularly like, and remembered why I don't like them. I felt like I was working just as hard as normal, and my heart rate confirmed it, but my speed was way slow. But I slogged through the workout, focusing on just keeping my heart rate at the usual level and doing sprints for the last minute of each set of ten minutes (by sprinting I mean I turn the resistance up and go as fast as I can for a minute) and managed to get a close-to-decent workout in. Strength training was a practical bust, but seeing as it's my third session this week, I wasn't about to beat myself up about it. I just did what I could and pushed myself when I could (like the bicep curls) and then gave myself permission to end the workout with a few machines left out.
After a quick stop at starbucks for a "IcedSkinnyVanillaLate" (yes you must say it like that or they will make you repeat yourself) we walked up Broadway (starting at Wall street) until I got too hungry (I hadn't had time for breakfast before I left the house) and we detoured to Whole Foods on Houston to get sushi from their sushi bar.
Tasty sushi......
Anyways, we ended up walking the rest of the way up to Union Square and then sat down in the park for a bit where we ended up talking about my weight loss.
This is not a good thing for us to talk about.
My renewed commitment to the gym started because my s.o. told me I was gaining too much weight and it was affecting our relationship. The problem is, his idea of where I should be is where I was when we started dating. Which was around 130lbs with the ability to fit into his 23" Jeans.
At the height of my weight I was getting close to 180lbs, wearing a size 14, and yes I knew I was fat and yes I knew I needed to loose weight. Having my boyfriend tell me I was fat sent me into panic mode. I subscribed to this "transitions(tm) lifestyle plan" with some friends which started with a "detox" diet. For a week I ate only egg whites, vegetables, and fruit. I cut my calories back drastically. I started working out. And I started loosing weight.
For a while I was loosing a respectable 2lbs a week, and then around 160lbs it stopped. I was still working out, I was still watching what I ate (although I was eating more than I was at first) but no weight loss. No body fat percentage loss. Just nothing. Out of desperation I pushed for my s.o. to come with me to a Sunday morning non-contact boxing class at a nearby gym. I got up at 11am on a Sunday to go to a 12:30 Boxing class, and pushed myself to the point where I could barely lift my arms afterwards. It was beautiful. I'm going again this Sunday (we skipped last week due to birthday party induced hangover.)
I've started loosing weight again. I'm down to 157/158 depending on when I weigh myself, and my body fat is down a few more percentage points to 32.6% (ish I'll get a hard number up on here when I do my *official weekly number* on Monday.) But I have absolutely no faith in my ability to maintain this rate of weight loss.
In fact, while the number say it, and my clothing size confirms it (I'm down to a size 10 jeans) when I look in the mirror I don't see any weight loss. I don't look any different. I still have a fat belly and saggy arms and huge thighs. And I know when my s.o. looks at me he sees these things and he's just patiently waiting to get his "hot girlfriend" back.
Our conversation this afternoon highlighted that to me. I was expressing my doubt about my ability to attain my "goal weight" of 135lbs. He said "Well you said before it would take you a year to get there, now you say you don't know if you can? what the hell?" When I responded that I just have no faith in my ability to continue my weight loss, he said "You just do it, or don't do it. It's not that hard."
I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and hide with a giant dove chocolate bar and a bacon cheeseburger. I wanted to give up.
I don't know if I can every make him understand what a battle this is for me. How closely I have to monitor everything I eat and how obsessively I have to exercise. I can't just "coast" through a workout because that dosn't burn enough calories. And the more weight I loose, the harder I have to work to maintain that same speed of weight loss.
*sigh*
Like I said, today was a rough day, and I *just* got settled in at work.
-Meg
An aside, I work nights, my work schedule is T-F 7pm - 5am. So 3pm is early for me, really early.
Then, there are none of the type of eliptical machines that I like to use available. Yeah I know, whine whine whine, but *old* me would use that as an excuse to turn around and go home. Luckily I couldn't leave as I had a "workout buddy" to not let down. So I got on one of the types I don't particularly like, and remembered why I don't like them. I felt like I was working just as hard as normal, and my heart rate confirmed it, but my speed was way slow. But I slogged through the workout, focusing on just keeping my heart rate at the usual level and doing sprints for the last minute of each set of ten minutes (by sprinting I mean I turn the resistance up and go as fast as I can for a minute) and managed to get a close-to-decent workout in. Strength training was a practical bust, but seeing as it's my third session this week, I wasn't about to beat myself up about it. I just did what I could and pushed myself when I could (like the bicep curls) and then gave myself permission to end the workout with a few machines left out.
After a quick stop at starbucks for a "IcedSkinnyVanillaLate" (yes you must say it like that or they will make you repeat yourself) we walked up Broadway (starting at Wall street) until I got too hungry (I hadn't had time for breakfast before I left the house) and we detoured to Whole Foods on Houston to get sushi from their sushi bar.
Tasty sushi......
Anyways, we ended up walking the rest of the way up to Union Square and then sat down in the park for a bit where we ended up talking about my weight loss.
This is not a good thing for us to talk about.
My renewed commitment to the gym started because my s.o. told me I was gaining too much weight and it was affecting our relationship. The problem is, his idea of where I should be is where I was when we started dating. Which was around 130lbs with the ability to fit into his 23" Jeans.
At the height of my weight I was getting close to 180lbs, wearing a size 14, and yes I knew I was fat and yes I knew I needed to loose weight. Having my boyfriend tell me I was fat sent me into panic mode. I subscribed to this "transitions(tm) lifestyle plan" with some friends which started with a "detox" diet. For a week I ate only egg whites, vegetables, and fruit. I cut my calories back drastically. I started working out. And I started loosing weight.
For a while I was loosing a respectable 2lbs a week, and then around 160lbs it stopped. I was still working out, I was still watching what I ate (although I was eating more than I was at first) but no weight loss. No body fat percentage loss. Just nothing. Out of desperation I pushed for my s.o. to come with me to a Sunday morning non-contact boxing class at a nearby gym. I got up at 11am on a Sunday to go to a 12:30 Boxing class, and pushed myself to the point where I could barely lift my arms afterwards. It was beautiful. I'm going again this Sunday (we skipped last week due to birthday party induced hangover.)
I've started loosing weight again. I'm down to 157/158 depending on when I weigh myself, and my body fat is down a few more percentage points to 32.6% (ish I'll get a hard number up on here when I do my *official weekly number* on Monday.) But I have absolutely no faith in my ability to maintain this rate of weight loss.
In fact, while the number say it, and my clothing size confirms it (I'm down to a size 10 jeans) when I look in the mirror I don't see any weight loss. I don't look any different. I still have a fat belly and saggy arms and huge thighs. And I know when my s.o. looks at me he sees these things and he's just patiently waiting to get his "hot girlfriend" back.
Our conversation this afternoon highlighted that to me. I was expressing my doubt about my ability to attain my "goal weight" of 135lbs. He said "Well you said before it would take you a year to get there, now you say you don't know if you can? what the hell?" When I responded that I just have no faith in my ability to continue my weight loss, he said "You just do it, or don't do it. It's not that hard."
I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and hide with a giant dove chocolate bar and a bacon cheeseburger. I wanted to give up.
I don't know if I can every make him understand what a battle this is for me. How closely I have to monitor everything I eat and how obsessively I have to exercise. I can't just "coast" through a workout because that dosn't burn enough calories. And the more weight I loose, the harder I have to work to maintain that same speed of weight loss.
*sigh*
Like I said, today was a rough day, and I *just* got settled in at work.
-Meg
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Tracking Transformation: Where I stand now
